It`s that time of the month again : NEWS LETTER TIME!!
As I said last time, since Warden started her News Letter Mailing list , she has experienced some technical difficulties for some of the subscribers getting their news letter.
If you are one of those unfortunate souls, FEAR NOT!
I hear rumors that unsubscribing to the News letter and then re- subscribe , will fix the problem!
You will find the link to the un-subscription page at the very bottom of the e-mail of the first issue you got.
You can find past and future Issues here! : https://us20.campaign-archive.com/home/?u=9963a331604291f164fc10413&id=2c5b6cefec
If You have not signed up yet , you can do that here! : https://jrward.us20.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=9963a331604291f164fc10413&id=2c5b6cefec
Ok , So before I start listing the highlights from the Newsletter ,you need to know , that this months issue , was taken over by Vishous ,Lassiter and Butch!
Now , with that in mind , enjoy!
This months Missive , is written by Butch , and there are some definite give aways:
” Oh, and it wasn’t Butch. God, nevah. Butch is… I mean, come on, the guy is a total star. Rock star. Shooting star. I love Butch. Butch loves me. I wish more of the people in the house were like Butch, formerly Brian O’Neal, CPD homicide detective. “
Our Beastie boy takes care of the funniest horoscope we have ever gotten!
“Aries (March 21-April 19)
So I understand that you are a leader, the tip of the spear. I believe you would go first. You would get me when I am just up. When I am lethargic and sitting down to First Meal- and I go to pour my milk. You will go Oldie but Goodie- and put Elmer’s glue in my whole milk. Well played over my Fruity Pebbles, Aries!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You are steady, reliable, a ground floor kind of prankster. You will wait until I get over the Elmer’s glue fiasco… and hit me when I go to workout. You will itching-powder my jock strap- and laugh as I dance the jig of shame all the way into the showers!
Gemini (May 21- June 20)
As someone who has two sides to them, you will play me well. You will hand me a towel as I step out of the post-itching powder shower. You will chat to me as I dry off. You will laugh ruefully as I express my frustration at the hard start to my Monday morning. We will walk through the tunnel together, heading back for the mansion. As we come through the hidden door underneath the stairs, you will clap my shoulder and tell me to keep my chin up, things will only get better.
The first person who kicks me in the can will confuse me. The second will offend me. The third… will send me into the downstairs bathroom where I will turn around… and see the Kick Me post-it note on my back.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
You are so quiet and loyal, Cancer, that when you come to check on me in the bathroom, and you remove the post-it note, I am grateful. You suggest that I get out of the house. Take a walk in the still-warm Fall night. Collect my thoughts. You maneuver me toward the vestibule, which I go through just fine. When I step out of the house, however- I am doused by purple Kool-Aid, hit from overhead.
You are a loyal friend, however, and you make sure to secure the bucket with a recovery string so it doesn’t hit me on the head. Thank you, Cancer!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
By the time I run across you, Leo, I am flinchy as f*ck. But I am also covered with sticky Kool-Aid. As I start to strip in the front foyer, you remind me that there are young in the house. You reroute me to the kitchen where you point out that I can take everything off in private and put my sticky clothes right into the laundry. Now, as a Leo, you are great at mobilizing others. So as I enter the pantry, someone yells, Catch! Instinctively, I put my hands out- and am hit with a flour bomb that poofs out all over me, dusting me like a beignet.
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
Virgo, you are orderly. Detail orientated. Restrained and disciplined. As I go upstairs to take my second shower of the night, I have a sense of superiority as I pick up my shampoo bottle- and notice that someone has replaced it with a Nair bottle. Ha-ha! I think. I have caught them! I go to step out- and hit bald tile that has been splashed with body oil. You have waited in my towel closet and pulled the rug away, knowing that when I discover the Nair, I will get out of the shower to get a new shampoo bottle.
You also have the presence of mind to bring a camera phone- so as I spaz out and try to keep from falling, you take two dozen pictures, blank out my hey-nannies, make the images into a time-lapse collage, and email them to everyone in the household.
Libra (September 23- October 22)
Libra, you are not a big fan of conflict and strife. So when I go down to the clinic to get checked out because I think I’ve thrown my back out doing the bathroom boogie, you come into the exam room with Ehlena, and ostensibly check on me. I know what you are up to, however. I watch out for every move you make. I double check the Ace bandage you put on my ankle. I refuse aspirin because I am convinced you’ve spike them with CBD oil. I sniff at the bag of ice you give me. I constantly look up. Look down. Look around. Even after you leave. For like, half an hour.
It is only an hour later that I realize… you didn’t do anything. Which was your prank. The absence of a prank is the prank. Nice!
Scorpio (October 23- November 21)
Scorpio, you play for keeps. Exhausted by the worst night I have ever had, I will go to the billiards room and sit on my sofa in front of the TV I have tortured people with since I moved in with the Brothers and other household members. As I sit down… I have a thought that the cushion feels a little different, but I don’t think much of it. When I got to use the remote to turn the cable on to COZI TV- an electric shock goes right up into my nads. You have wired the sofa seat to be triggered by the power switch.
I yelp like a little girl and throw the remote.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
At this point, I’m exhausted. I pass out on the other sofa. When I wake up, an hour later, I am groggy and disorientated. I get up and think there is something different… something wrong… but I can’t figure out what it is. I walk out into the foyer… and see across the way, in the glossy reflection of the marble… that my f*cking hair is gone! I run back to the post-it bathroom again and see what I would look like if I were bald!
Because you are a good person, it is only a bald cap BUT STILL!
Capricorn (December 22- January 19)
Still reeling from the hair-scare, I stumble into the library and decide to lose myself in a book. As I am heading for the shelves, I see a Maxim on the table. Picking it up, I open it to… read the articles… and see that there is a beautiful, half-naked—
Capricorn, you walk in, and remind me of the importance of body positivity and the acceptance of all forms, not just thin ones. Embarrassed, I go to put the magazine down… and find that my left palm is Super glued to the front page. As you laugh, I realize you set a perfect trap!
Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
I run flapping and cursing out of the library, waving that Maxim around until the magazine proper separates from the cover which will not separate from my hand. I do not see the skate board that is in my path, and when I hit it, it carries me across the foyer and into the dining room- whereupon I find myself in a firestorm of cream pies. Pies, pies, all over my pie hole and other places. You have organized the largest pie surprise the household has ever had! And it is good fun- for everyone but me!
Pisces (February 19- March 20)
Pisces, as I give up, and promise the household that I will not hog the TV anymore, and I will stop with the Zebra print pants, and the 12 months of Lassiter calendars, and the cartoon voice-dub ins whenever a Brother enters a room, you come up to me and give me a big hug, even though I am covered with pie. As you step back, I look into your eyes, and I say, “G’head. Finish this.”
At which point, you pull a lever… and twelve hundred pounds of feathers float down over me, turning me into Big Bird.
I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS! EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE PROGRAMMED ME INTO YOUR PHONES AS THE A$$HOLE SONG BY DENNIS LEARY. “
Can you imagine Rhage , after going thru all of this?
Holy sh*t I wish I could share my mental image with you all!
Are you ready for Vishous`s contribution to this madness?!
He delivered this months question with such a sass:
First of all, let me just say… you are amazing. You give the best advice I’ve ever heard. Your piercing insights, undeniable intelligence and incredible, penetrating honesty just amaze me. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read our letters and share with us your invaluable guidance.”
He continues to complain about his room mate ( Lassiter) and Mary immidiatley busts V:
” Mary: ……..
Vishous: *pops brow* What?
Mary: You know what.
V: Oh… you’re upset that the letter writer didn’t focus on your contributions to this column. *puts hand on Mary’s knee* Listen, I know that we’re a mismatch in a lot of ways, but I like doing this with you- and I can’t believe I’m saying this.
Mary: And I can’t believe you’re pulling this nonsense. If you have a problem with Lass-
V: *holds up hand* This is an anonymous platform. So we never know who the letter writers are. Remember that hard time you gave me when I looked into that writer’s parents and their cruise shipping? Respect the curtain of anonymity, true?
Mary: First of all, “cruise-shipping” is not a verb, and second of all, this column is for-
V: People struggling with all kinds of sh*t. We’ve been focusing on romantic crap, but I think we need to open this up to more general questions. And roommate struggles are not uncommon. Over 72% of roommates are dissatisfied with their living conditions.
Mary: You made that up.
V: Fine, over 100% of people who live with fallen angels are dissatisfied with their living conditions. *Mary stares at V* So are we going to do this or not? Or are you saying you are not willing to help someone who honestly has a problem.
Mary: Okay, I’ll play your game-
V: This isn’t a game. And tell me what you think.
Mary: *grows pensive* I think the issue here is less about compatibility, and more about respect. The key to improving the situation in the house- in this writer’s house- is for the roommates to embrace change and understand that a larger plan is being served.
V: What does bad TV have to do with destiny? With anything?
Mary: Nothing at all. And that’s the point.
V: *mutters* Which apparently I’m missing.
Mary: What else is someone who has- well, so much power- going to talk about? You think he wants to dwell on the impossibles he has to deal with? The suffering? The pain? The things he can’t change and the things he’s hoping to effect? Put yourself in his shoes. You drink- in moderation now. What does he do? He watches TV. He talks about silly things. He jokes and he jibes and he keeps things light- because otherwise, he has no break from his reality. I think you need to understand where he’s coming from, and when you do that, you’re going to find that you can tolerate the incompatibility.
V: No amount of understanding is going to help me with Disney.
Mary: You don’t want to watch Cruella de Vil because you’re a softie for dogs now that George is in your life.
V: Stop. This is not me, remember.
Mary: *stares at him* Do you want me to bring your mother into this?
V: The letter writer’s mother, you mean?
Mary: Fine. The letter writer’s mother.
V: *lights up a handrolled* We’re not supposed to bring parents into any discussions. See also, “cruise-shipping”- which is, in fact, a word because I’ve now used it twice.
Mary: Don’t you think the letter writer, who has unresolved issues with his mother, maybe feels shut out by the succession plan she put in place?
V: *exhales* I can’t comment because we don’t know about the writer’s mother. Or what role she pays in any of this.
Mary: You’re the one who wanted to open this up. You chose the *air quotes* letter. So we’re going to go there.
V: Well… okay, so assuming the letter writer has mommy issues- which we cannot confirm because we do not know who is writing- you’re assuming that the son wanted to succeed his mother in the job. But he didn’t. He doesn’t. And that’s the God’s honest.
Mary: She never even asked, though, did she.
Mary: She never asked the son what he wanted.
V: Does she have to? She knows- knew- everything.
Mary: But sometimes it isn’t the knowledge, it’s the exchange. And I think that’s been the problem in that relationship. It’s all one sided, and by definition, that diminishes the other party. Negates them. Makes them feel unimportant. The son is diminished by the mother’s inability to enter into an exchange.
Mary: And with respect to the troubling roommate? He’s never done that to the son. If anything, he’s looking for interaction.
V: Too much in the wrong way.
Mary: Better than too little in the wrong way.
V: *grunts again*
Mary: I think this is all going to be fine. And I think you guys like bitching about him. He knows this, and that’s why he does what he does. He needles you guys. You guys needle him. And some of it is legitimately funny.
V: I reserve the right to get bored of this.
Mary: *dryly* You? Bored with something? I can’t imagine.
V: Not that we know the letter writer.
Mary: Right. Not that we know the letter writer. *leans in close* P.S., I’ve seen you smile when you think no one’s watching.
V: Shh. You have not. And certainly never when he was getting a pie in the face.
Mary: On that note, until next month! Oh, and Victory is Assured? Let us know how it all turns out!
V: *grunts* And I don’t have mommy issues. “
Aaaand our favorite angel has done Rhage`s part!
“OMG, I love Barney so much. And not just because a dragon lives inside of me and my GTO is the color of a grape and I like grape Tootsie pops. I love Barney because I am Barney. I am a big, Goofy McGooferson who sings and dances, and likes to play games with children-because I am a child.
Until next month, remember, Lassiter is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that is what I’m going to say every time I look in the mirror! Because… DUH!
MUUUUUAH! Rhage, a.k.a. Little Las ”
“Dear Newsletter Subscribers,
I am so sorry. It seems as if this month’s newsletter has been hijacked. It’s too late to do anything about it now.
We’ll do better next month- and excuse me while I go hunt down the offending parties.
Love, Beth (who did NOT write the missive, obv!)
Anyone else agree that this months issue was absolutely hilarious and brilliant?!
I have`nt laughed this hard in MONTHS.
Until next time , Leelans!