Hi , Leelans!
I thought it was about time we got honest with ourselves and talk about the never ending hassle we endure , living with people who do not read books .
We are talking about the person(s) who just DO NOT UNDERSTAND . How you can sit there , hour after hour, day after day , reading books and not get bored.
So I`m gonna be brave here , and list MY top scenarios, which both you as a reader and a non-reader may have run into:
1: He`s not real
Me: *Crying and screaming hysterically.*
Non-reader: “What`s wrong?!”
Me: * Uncontrollable mumbling and sobbing*
Non-reader: “I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND YOU! Blink if you`re struggling !”
Me: “He`s DEAD! D.E.A.D He DIED!” * Toddler scream*
Non-reader: * Shakes me* “WHO died?! WHO?!”
Me: “He did`nt make the transition , and now he`s *inhales* DEAAADDD!” *Crying continues*
Non-reader: “Transition?!You lost a book character?! That`s who`s dead?! You`re crying over someone who`s not even REAL!?”
Me: *Laying flat on the floor , Screaming*”HE WAS FAMILY , A**HOLE!”
2: I Told Him Not To !
Me: ” WHAT?! NO! I told you not to! NOOOOO!!” * Throws book . Glass breaking*
Non-reader: *Comes running from the other room* “What the f*uck are you so angry about?! ”
Me: *Frantically looks at non-reader , with distant eyes , while ripping at my hair and crying* ” I TOLD him not to do it , and he STILL did it , and now we`re all f*cked!”
Non-reader: “You`re talking about your book boyfriend again , are`nt you?”
Me: “He is usually not this stupid! HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE! The dude is 315 years old , He should know better!”
Non-reader: “Supposed” , being the word here..”
Me: * Looks at non -reader , Shockingly insulted and points finger* “Do`nt you DARE judge him! You do`nt know him!”
Non-reader: *Leaves the room with a sigh*
Me: Ca in middle in the book. Super focused.
Non-reader: “I`m hungry, wanna eat?”
Me: “No, I`m good..”
Non-reader: “You have`nt eaten in 11 hours, Have a sandwich . The book will still be there when you come back.”
Me: *Looks anxiously up at non-reader* “But what if I don`t come back? What if something happens to me on the way to the kitchen? What if I choke on the sandwich?! What if an asteroid is heading our way and this is the last chance I get to read it?! THEN I WILL NEVER KNOW HOW IT ALL ENDS!”
Non-reader: “I`ll just leave it on the counter for you…”
4:What`s so funny?
Me: *Reading the part where V is wearing Jane`s pink My little pony Pjs, and I`m now laughing HYSTERICALLY*
Non-reader : “What`cha laughing at?”
Me: “Nothing , you don`t know the characters , so you wont think its funny.”
Non-reader: “Try me.”
Me: “Remember the last time you asked , and I told you about that one dude who shot a cigarette out of this other dudes mouth ,and how the description of the other dudes facial expression was PRICELESS?”* Wheeeeze*
Non-reader: *Sigh* “Yes?”
Me: *really excited* “This is the SAME other dude! Only this time he just walked in with his girl`s pink My little pony pants!” * Wheeeeeeeeze*
Non-reader: *Sighs and walks out*
Me: “I TOLD YOU, YOU WOULD`NT THINK IT WAS FUNNY!”
Me: *Comes along with non-reader as it is going to the store.*
Non-reader: “You wanna come in with me?”
Me: “No , I have my book. I`ll wait here”
Non-reader:” It might take a while, you sure you ok waiting?”
Non-reader: “Ok , well , if you`re sure”
Me: ” Waves book”
6: ONE DOES NOT FOLD THE PAGES!
Me: *Going to have my 2nd reading break in 13 hours. Carefully I lay my book, pages down , on the living room table. Goes to the toilet*
Non-reader: Walks in from the kitchen , with 2 plates and a soda in its hands.
Grabs my book , smacks it together and lays it on the kitchen counter.
Me: Comes back from toilet , sits down ,goes to grab the book: NOTHING.
Panic sets in , wild searching eyes goes everywhere.Then , I see it. A little glimpse of my perfectly preserved paperback`s marrow peeks out of the kitchen counter.
I scream as I run towards it *imagine this in slow motion* , accidentally, ripping the non-readers food out of its mouth , as I pass it by.
I pick up my book and, again, I scream .
Non-reader: *covered in food*” WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”
Me: Turn towards it, furious : “WHAT`S WRONG?! WHAT`S WRONG!?
LOOK AT IT!?”* Waves book in front of Non-readers face*
“Do you see what you have done!? Can you see the emotional scar you have just given me!?”*cries*
Non-reader: “What? There is nothing wrong with the book? I just moved so I could eat!”
Me: *Scoffs , with the company of the evilest eye known to man*
“Look closer! You made a DOG-EAR! You physically BENT a innocent page into distortion! The book will NEVER be the same! It looks like the bent neck lady!”* Sobs*
Non-reader: “It`s what my mom used to do , with her paperbacks.”
Me: Deeply Insulted: “MASS.MARKED.PAPERBACKS. This is a LIMITED edition paperback , ONE DOES NOT FOLD THE PAGES!!”
Non-reader: “What do you want me to do then!?”
Me: Goes back to the living room table and grab the blood red flannel ,”Bite me” book mark. “This is the ONLY thing that shall EVER be used to separate those pages! TRUE!? YOU FEEL ME!?”
Non-reader: *backs off, avoiding eye contact*
7: What`s the difference?
Non-reader: “What`s all the equipment for?”
Me: “You know how you have always wanted to bring me camping? Now we are!”
Non-Reader: “Really?! Fantastic! Where are we going?”
Me: “It`s a surprise! By the way , You know that book I have been waiting for? It has finally come in limited edition paperback form!”
Non-reader: “I thought you all ready had that one?”
Me: “I have it in HARDCOVER, not PAPERBACK.”
Non-reader: ” What`s the difference? ”
Me: *Stops manic packing* “What`s the difference? WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?!
It is a paperback version! It has soft , heavenly pages , it is light to hold , it has a totally different smell, it is so tiny and: I CAN READ IT WITHOUT GUILT, cause I can bend those pages without damaging the marrow! And if I drop it while reading in bed , I wont get a concussion!”
Non-reader: “Ooook.. So we stop by the book store before we go camping? where is it? is it the one down the street?”
Me: “No , It`s 11 hours away..”
Non-reader:” We`re going to camp outside the bookstore again , are`nt we?”
8: Give me another chapter.
Non-reader: “Hey! Help me move these boxes out to the moving truck.”
Me: “Give me a chapter , and I`ll help.”
*one chapter goes by*
Non-reader: “It`s been an hour , you done yet?”
Me: “Dude,Just give me another chapter , I`m almost done.”
*Another hour goes by*
Non-reader: “That`s it , I`ll move them myself…”
*6 hours pass*
Me: Lays book down.* WOW. That was a great ending. ” *Stands up* ” So , what boxs..” *Discovers house is empty and moving truck is gone*
Me: “Hello?!” * Echo*
9: Sell Some Books
Me: *Placing another book into my overfilled book shelves.*
Non-reader: ” You really need to get rid of some books. They are taking over the house. I even found a book in the fridge” * Hands me ” The Shadows”*
Me: ” Oh there it is! It really was in the Shadows ,right?! HAHA! *Bumps non-reader with my elbow*
Non-reader: *Stares at me with non-impressed eyes* ” Sell.some.books”
Me: ” NO. you can sell your music collection ”
Non-reader: ” Sell some books , or we need to get a new house”
Me: * Overly excited* ” Now that you mention it! * pulls up phone* I found this AMAZING abandoned mental institution . It has 265 rooms 20 bathrooms AND , the best part: A WHOLE LIBRARY! My babies can have their own shelves!”
Non-reader: Jesus Christ…* Walks away*
Me: “Oh boy , there ain`t no Gods or Ghosts saving you from this! Get the truck , WE`RE MOVING!”
Me: *Reading the 4th book in the ” The Southern Vampire Mysteries” AKA True Blood series .*
Non-Reader: “Oh , you reading True blood?
I was so sad when * Names characters* died. It kinda killed the whole show”
Me: *Throws book up in the air* “Someone else is gonna die tonight, too!”
11: The Argument
Me: “I do not agree! What don`t you understand!?”
Non-reader: “EVERYONE knows that Yankees does things better than Red Sox!”
Me: *Shocked inhale* ” You eat sh*t and die , trash!”
Non-reader: “oh , yeah?You know what? I hope they DO make your dear BDB books into a shitty Netflix series , and they cast ALL THE WRONG ACTORS FOR IT!!
Me: *Super insulted , on the verge of crying”YOU TAKE THAT BACK ! SAY YOU DID`NT MEAN IT!!
Non-reader: *Sees me breaking apart * I AM SORRY! I hope they never make a series!
I absolutely think a lot of my fellow sisters knows , or has experienced some of the situations mentioned above!
Have some scenarios you wanna share? I would love to hear about them in the comment section below!
Until next time , Leelans!